*Cause I've Been In Love Before, And I Found That Love Was More Than Just Holding Hands*

Blogging is not my thing. I've given up on any hope that my life will be recorded in writing...I think it's realistic, I mean obviously it's not worked in the past...Why should it now...I rather feel blogging is more an activity for an outburst of emotion...Kind of like songs in musicals...That makes much more sense...Blog posts are the songs of Steff's life...I like the sounds of that...Anyways on to this scene's number...

You causing yourself boy trouble should go away when you find boyfriend...From then on in all other boys should not matter and the only boy trouble that should insue is that caused by said boyfriend...After all that's still a fair share of trouble...But no. Not only do you have the extra helping of boy trouble that the boyfriend creates but occasionally you come across other boy troubles that make all past boy troubles seem like specks of dust...That's just not fair...Extra quantity of boy trouble + Extra quality of boy trouble should not = girl in relationship! But apparently it does...Now I've been dating Darren for almost 2 years so that is a fairly good run of no outside boy trouble...At least from my standpoint...2 years is a long time for anything or nothing to happen...But boy did the new boy trouble shoot me in the face...I mean out of all the things to happen I can't really say I ever expected this...But then again I didn't expect that I liked Darren...Or Drew...Or Glenn for that matter...My life is like the Spanish Inquisition...NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!...But Fuck it's nasty...I just don't know what to do...I can't talk to Darren as we've had this potential coversation before and I think that it would just kill him/us which I don't think I want to happen...But on the other hand I can't really not do anything about it...I think, as per normal, I'll have to go with secret answer C...It really hasn't set me stray yet but there's a first time for everything...The problem with Secret Answer C is that there are two possible outcomes with it...Everything could be as I suspect and then everything will/should be fine...Which is good...But on the other hand it could be everything I can't/don't expect...And then I don't know what I'll do...I don't know what he'll do or what Darren will do...Not to mention everyone else...I feel like on the edge of something very great...Or something that has the possibility to be great...But the chance of greatness is so small that you can't hope for it...But in that large probability of failure there can still be success...But in this case I'm not sure if I want success...If things don't turn out the way I expect them to I'll have to think more...And thinking sucks enough right now as it is...And then choose...Which I can't imagine doing...Or have I already done so? Is the reason I'm considering this because I've made my choice...I feel like I'm a person with no hands who wants to go outside but I can't open the door so I've decided to sit inside and read a book...But if someone were to open the door I'd close my book and walk outside into the sun...But at the same time I almost don't want to leave my book as I'm in the middle of the story and I want to see how it ends...If life weren't about morals I would certainly try to bring my book outside and enjoy both but alas I think that would be a bad choice...Perhaps cheating isn't the huge sin I once thought it to be...Maybe not in all cases...The thing is that I don't know what I want...I want this to be resolved but I don't know what I want the outcome to be...Like I'm conducting an experiment without a hypothosis...I'm just doing it to get it done and find something out...What I do with the information will be based upon the information I receive instead of visa-versa...Perhaps that makes me a mad scientist...Half of me want what I expect because it's simple...The other half of me wants the unexpected because I...Well because I want it badly...I Imagine everything...Not perfect of course but exciting and frustrating and passionate and irritating all at the same time...I imagine colors and feelings and touches that don't exist but I want them to...But would they be true if I left "just happy"...But then pops another problem...What if everything comes out as expected but it happens again, sometime later, with someone else...Will I be equally tempted then...Will this continue? Is "just happy" enough? That's the real question...Am I settling...And if I am, Can I Deal With That?...Cause I don't think I can...I push everything to the limit...I'm ambitious...I want to feel life through my veins and passion in my heart...I want to know that I never failed to take a chance that could have given me my dreams because I was scared or I didn't know what would happen...I need to...That's my life...That's how I choose to live...I don't cower or falter because I can't, I need to know...If it hurts, that's fine. It's meant to after all...Otherwise I'll keep going...I'll lament over losses and cry over past tears and that's what I want to do...I'll never give back love anyone's given me or try to take it from those I gave it freely to...What I give is yours to keep...Secrets, love and memories...Or preferably all three...But I need to know that I did everything I could do make my life into my dreams...Because I don't live to dream, I dream to live.